Car Killer

My garage tried to eat me, and not in the way I enjoy. All I wanted was a tall vanilla chai, iced, before resuming my morning nap, the nap that was to fortify me against another day of being a teacher that isn’t teaching as the school year comes to a close and we educators spend our days supervising field games, think Lord of the Flies, writing blogs and playing Jeopardy in the cafeteria. It was a fortuitous moment, a convergence of events so random and bizarre that I would never imagine it, not true I’m accident prone and can be quite the klutz, but still the garage is to blame.

Allegedly, I ran over the motion sensor in my garage, the one that tells the garage door to stop moving lest it squish, squash and murder something in the way. I then, allegedly, closed the garage door before the car was fully out of the garage, thinking that surely, my ability to press the gas was faster than a stupid mechanical door, alas, I was wrong. Allegedly. The garage door hammered my car and the windshield not being able to take it like a man shattered, well cracked into a display of pebbled goodness, because safety glass doesn’t shatter, which really ruins the story, steals that final dramatic flair of me trapped in a car with shards of glass flying this way and that, taking purchase in my soft dewy skin and ruining my artful ponytail.

My ponytail was still artful, my skin still dewy but the desire for chai passed, and I decided to resume my nap until the time came when I had to enter the hallowed halls of academia and trounce my students in a bloody game of knowledge, because total annihilation and utter defeat make them better people. I didn’t sleep, I talked and whined about my near death experience and received the proper words of concern, which reignited my desire for a vanilla chai, so off I went in the other car leaving my shattered beauty a crumbly mess in the driveway.

I hope the forecasters are wrong and the storms and hail never arrive because if they do I am so fucked and once again, not in the way I enjoy.